Buffy: Crack
by Jet MacLeod
Summary: This is pure crack. This is one of the stories that I wrote for the SlayerFanFic site many years ago. It seems that the site has gone defunct so I'm reposting it here. It was based on a prompt from a Round Robin Story Forum that I joined. Some of the prompts included characters, dialogue and situations. Just remember this is just humorous. Enjoy. I don't own anything Buffy.


Buffy came home from school. She had been worried about her family since the new Big Bad had come to Sunnydale, California. Dawn and Joyce were Buffy's world. She was worried about them. Buffy didn't want to leave them alone while she was out patrolling. Buffy had considered many different places in town. Unfortunately for her, she kept coming back to Spike and his crypt. He had "babysat" them before and she hoped that he would do it again.

Buffy packed them up and took them to Spike's crypt in the local cemetery. Spike seemed more than happy to help the slayer out. He was a little concerned because he was supposed to have demons over for a poker night. He didn't know what time that everyone was coming over, so he could only hope that things went well.

"I don't care, Spike. Just no kittens, got me? You can have your poker game," Buffy stated.

"No kittens, got it. But, the boys aren't going to like it," Spike answered.

"Spike, no kittens!"

"Fine, I'll call it off then. Me and your mum can just watch Passions again. I can't believe what happened last night. I wonder if she watched today's episode, yet?" Spike mused.

"Don't do that!" Dawn stated, "I don't want to watch that. Can't we watch anything else?"

"Whatever," Buffy stated, "Just don't let anything happen to them. I'm counting on you, Spike, to protect my family."

"Got it. Lil' Bit and Mum will be safe with me. I promise. Go have your patrol. I'll take care of Lil' Bit and Mum just fine."

Buffy left them with Spike. She went out on her nightly patrol, shaking her head as she left. She could only hope that Spike would keep his word about protecting her family and the poker game. She didn't think that her mother or Dawn would be able to deal with the fact that Spike and his friends used kittens as currency for their poker games. It wasn't humane, but then again, they weren't human, so…

Anya was busy at The Magic Box cleaning up from the day's work. She had to admit that it had been an unusually good day at the shop. Anya was thinking that she would go the Bronze later and hang out with Xander. It would be the perfect ending to her perfect day.

She was in the animal magicks section of the books for sale, sweeping when she noticed something hairy running around in the area. She wasn't sure what it was but she didn't really care. Anya rounded the corner. What she saw around the corner scared her so, she ran back behind the counter and called Xander on the phone.

"Xander!" she yelled into the phone.

"What is it, Anya?" he asked with growing concern.

"I am scared."

"Where are you?"

"The Magic Box," Anya answered.

"What?"

"Just get over here and protect me."

"From what?" Xander inquired.

"Just get over her," Anya told him.

Joyce and Spike were watching Passions on his TV. Dawn was extremely bored because she hated that show. She decided to search around and see what Spike had in his crypt. Dawn had found an old mirror somewhere in the back of the crypt and was totally fascinated by it. It seemed magical to her, but she wasn't sure. While Dawn was enthralled with the Mirror, Spike remembered that he forgot to call his buddies that were coming over to play poker.

"Hey, Spike," Clem said walking into Spike's crypt, holding a basket in his hand.

"Umm…Clem…hi."

"What is it, Spike?"

"Umm…is tonight poker night?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, you forgot it was tonight, again. I guess that is a good thing. I forgot my kittens. I was hoping that we could just play for fun for once."

"I am glad. I am watching Buffy's family tonight. She told me we were allowed to use kittens tonight, anyway. Wouldn't want to upset the Slayer, would we?" Spike answered.

"Cool. They could play with us. The others couldn't make it. I brought some peaches to eat as well. I like their taste with a good kit…"

"Peaches!" Joyce said coming in from the other room that had the TV.

"Yeah, I had Clem bring peaches for our poker night. We like a good fruit drink while we play. Would you like one?" Spike asked as he was lying to her about the peaches.

"Yeah, like Peach Demon Punch," Clem added.

"Is that some sort of alcoholic drink?" Joyce asked.

"It is when we make it," Clem answered.

"Well, that sounds like fun, but Dawn can't have any. She isn't old enough. So, start the mixer, I'm thirsty," Joyce told them.

Xander ran into the Magic Box to find Anya sitting on the counter.

"What is it, Anya?"

"It's over there. Kill it or something. Make it go back to its own dimension. I don't want it."

"Kill what?" Xander asked as he walked over to where Anya had been pointing. He walked around a table and still saw nothing. He decided to go around the book case. Xander stepped back when he saw the bunny hopping around on the floor. He smiled down at it.

"Anya, it is just a rabbit. It won't hurt you. He looks hungry, though."

"Xander?!" Anya yelled.

Xander leaned over and picked up the bunny. He pet it as he walked back over to where Anya was sitting. Anya was not amused.

"Xander, that thing is a killer. That is no ordinary bunny. That is a black killer bunny. It wants to hurt me. I can see it in its little hoppy, floppy manner."

"Anya, that is how bunnies act."

"I don't care. Get rid of it. Kill it or something."

"I think I'll keep it."

"You're gonna what?!" Anya screamed.

Buffy was stalking around the cemetery. She was bored. She hadn't staked a vampire or fought a demon in days. Normally she would be happy about this. With the Big Bad Demon Bitch Glory floating around, Buffy could only wonder what it meant. It just seemed too calm, to her.

"I wish there was someone to fight."

"I am up for it," a vampire said coming out from behind a grave.

"Okay, I'm game."

The two began to fight.

"Are you even really trying?" the vampire asked.

"Are you? What the hell is that noise?"

"Hold on," Buffy stated.

"For what?" the vampire questioned.

"Wait…wait on minute…my phone is binking," Buffy answered.

"You what is what? You phone is binking?" the vamp inquired.

"My phone is blinking and ringing. That is what I said. I have no idea what you heard."

"No, you said 'binking'," the vamp replied.

"I don't have time for this," Buffy said.

She rolled and staked the vampire, who was still shaking his head about the phrase that Buffy had actually said. He didn't even see her coming when he was hit, square in the chest by her trusty stake. Buffy answered her phone, nonchalantly, realizing who was calling.

"Hello…yeah…I'll be there in a few…yeah, I hear you, Dawnie….don't worry about it…I'm making one more round then coming to get you, both…yeah, about ten to twenty minutes…see you then...No, it'll be okay…You're fine, Dawn. I'll see you in a few."

"Spike, what did you put in that punch?" Joyce asked.

"Nothing, Clem made it."

"Spike, I am seeing things. This can't be good. By the way, why do you have twenty fingers?" Joyce asked.

"Whoa, I think it is time to you off," Spike stated, "Buffy is not going to like a drunk Mum. That is officially your last drink, Joyce."

"That is enough for the mom…Spike, where is Dawn?" Clem asked.

"Umm…over there, I think. I hope she didn't find that mirror, though. I still haven't quite figure out what it does yet."

"What mirror, Spike?" Clem questioned.

"The one that I got from Moo Moo Kuh. You know that cow. The one that lives over on Farmer Street…that cow."

"Oh…that mirror. When did you buy Kuh's mirror? Anyway, it doesn't matter. I hope she doesn't wish for anything while looking in it."

"Mirror…Mirror…who is the fairest of them all?" Dawn asked the mirror.

"Moo," was its simple reply.

"Moo. Who is…what…wait, 'Moo.' You answered me."

"Moo."

"Weird, but cool…"

"Moo."

"Do you know any other words?" Dawn asked it.

"Moo."

"Dawn! Don't play with the Moo Moo Mirror. Nothing good will come of it!" Spike yelled at her.

"Moo."

"Moo Moo Mirror…what the heck is a Moo Moo Mirror?"

"Moo."

"Dawn, I am serious. Leave the mirror alone!" Spike yelled again from the other room.

Buffy walked into the crypt. What she heard mad her run down further into the crypt. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Spike was singing some sort of song.

"TINGLAAAAAAO! Come little dunkey, come. TINGLAAAAAAAO! Come little dunkey, come…me dunkey EAT…me dunkey SLEEP…me dunkey…Oh, what's the rest of the song…me dunkey…SIT ON A GARBAGE HEAP! TINGLAAAAAAAAAO! Come little dunkey, come."

"No, Spike, that isn't how it goes," Clem spoke up.

"Sure it is. Then, let's hear you sing, Clem, mate," Spike slurred.

"Fine. Feast on this…This lil piggy went to the market…this little piggy went home…this little piggy had roast beef…this lil piggy had none…and this little piggy went weee weee weee all the way home…"

"That isn't a song, Clem…it is a nursery rhyme," Joyce said.

"Whatever, Joyce, you sing something."

Buffy burst into the room. She wasn't prepared for the sight before her. Spike, Clem, and her mother were seated around his poker table. Each of them had some sort of mixed drink in front of them. Spike quickly got flustered at the sight of the Slayer.

"Wait, Buffy, I can explain," Joyce said.

"What? You can explain why you are all drunk? Cause I have to hear this. So tell me, Spike. Why are you all drunk?" Buffy questioned.

"Who's drunk?" Spike asked as he stood and walked over to Buffy.

"You are drunk, Spike. I can smell it on you. You reeked of booze."

"I am not drunk…" Spike started, but then fell down in front of Buffy's feet, and continued, "Buffy, you have so many toes…FOES! I said foes. I am not drunk. I swear."

"Get up, Spike," Buffy replied and then turned to her mom, "Come on, Mom. Let's go home. Where is Dawnie?"

Clem stood up. He seemed to be the one that was the least drunk among them. He was still a mystery to Buffy. The concept of a civilized demon, especially one that was friends with Spike, was lost on Buffy. It just didn't make sense that a demon would want to be civilized and try to get along with humans. It was like, against the demon code or something, she mused.

"What were you drinking anyway?" Buffy asked.

"Peaches," Clem answered while Spike collected himself enough to get Dawn and return her back to the slayer.

"Come on, Dawnie. We're leaving. Goodnight, guys."

The next morning when Buffy awoke, she went down stairs to get some breakfast. She went straight into the kitchen, not bothering to look around as she did so. She poured herself some cereal and was preparing to go to the living room to watch some TV until she had to go to school. Then, her cell phone rang. Buffy put her spoon down and answered it.

"Yeah, hey, Xander."

"Heya, Buffy," Xander replied.

"What is it? Xander, it's like nine AM. What could be going on this early?"

"Umm…it's Anya. You know that thing that she has about bunnies."

"Yeah, so?" Buffy inquired, in between bites of cereal.

"Well, she found one last night at The Magic Box," Xander stated, "I got it. I've decided to keep it. She is like freaking out. What should I do?"

"Get rid of it. If she is that afraid of them, give it to the school or something. You could give it to Dawn. I am sure she'd like it," Buffy replied.

"I just don't get it. Why is she so afraid of bunnies? What can a bunny do to you?" Xander asked.

"It must be some sort of killer bunny thing that she unleashed on some poor guy. But, who knows? She was a vengeance demon. Maybe big vengeful bunnies were her thing. Everyone had their fear of something. Hers just happens to be bunnies," Buffy stated.

"Yeah, but Buffy, it's bunnies. You know, cute, furry, little cotton tail bunnies? She doesn't understand why they like carrots either. She thinks it has something to do with good eye sight or something. I just don't get it," Xander explained.

Buffy finally decided that she could talk to Xander while she watched TV and ate her cereal. She walked into the living room, while they were talking about Anya and the bunny. She sat down and turned on the TV before she saw the cow walk in the room.

"Umm…Xander, I have to go," Buffy stated.

"What's up? You sound a little flustered about something. Don't tell me it is the bunny. I don't think I could take it, if you said it was the bunny, too," Xander said.

"There is a cow in my living room," Buffy told him.

"A what?" Xander questioned.

"There is a cow in my living room," Buffy stated again.

"You're joking, right?" Xander asked.

"I wish that I really was," Buffy answered.

"Well, okay, you win," Xander said.

"Yeah, I do," Buffy stated. "There is a cow in my living room. I have to deal with that. I need to go. I can't let the cow stay in the house while we go to school."

Buffy and Xander couldn't help but laugh. It was absurd, but in their crazy lives, absurdity was daily and generally demonic. It was something to laugh about for once and not fear. It was a cow, possibly a demonic cow, but a cow nonetheless.

"Xander, there is a cow in my living room," Buffy said once again.

"I know. So, what are you going to do about it? And, how did it get there?" Xander asked her.

"Well, I am not going to keep it that's for sure. I don't know how it got here. Maybe we should ask Anya. If he doesn't know, I'll drop in on Spike. It could be his fault. He was drunk last night. And, there is no telling what he has in that crypt of his. Gotta go. Gotta move a cow."


End file.
